@rad_milk

taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in

You Might Also Like

@mattZillaaaa

I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.

@Breadery

I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.

@ericsshadow

My son asked what it is like to be married, so I deleted all the music on his ipod except 1 song.

@clichedout

Saw an Italian nativity scene:

• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys

@badbanana

I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.

@keyboredest

Frankly auto correct, I’m getting really tired of your shirt.

@craigdtull

Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.

@lovemydogduck

Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*

@the_moonface

I touch myself when I think of you.

It’s not what you’re thinking, I’m mostly scratching my head wondering what I saw in you.