@rad_milk

taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in

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@Dawn_M_

Some of you have had some fabulous public meltdowns this year.

From all of us, thank you x

@robfee

The prequel to 16 & Pregnant could be called “15 & Fully Trusted By Her Parents to Make Good Decisions, We Love You Brittani.”

@Kyle1092

There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.

@bug_deal

the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now

@Gre_Gone

*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”

@welivinasociety

this halloween i’m going as someone asking how the writing’s coming along

@jonnysun

JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.

WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG

@juliussharpe

I’m never more nervous than when I tell a doctor what I actually eat.