taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in

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I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.


I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.


My son asked what it is like to be married, so I deleted all the music on his ipod except 1 song.


Saw an Italian nativity scene:

• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys


I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.


Frankly auto correct, I’m getting really tired of your shirt.


Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.


Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*


I touch myself when I think of you.

It’s not what you’re thinking, I’m mostly scratching my head wondering what I saw in you.