[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
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Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
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Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
Don’t forget to tip your server
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….