@Smooheed

“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”

*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*

You Might Also Like

@ch000ch

i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before

@UmarHSoaries

They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.

– Reasons why I drink

@Robert_Beau

At the motel:

Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..

Me: I’d like a wakeup call.

FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.

@djdarrellripley

Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.

Me: Yea, the nursing home…

@Heldinchains

You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.

Tomato, Tomahto

Get in the van.

@DurtMcHurtt

The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.

@fro_vo

Cap: good morning Avengers let’s begin
Iron Man: wait spider-man is missing
Open Mouth Man: weird he was here when i went to sleep last nite

@MomofTeen

Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!