@Smooheed

“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”

*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*

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@cpabry

Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”

@CafeinatedBacon

Guys, I think we’ve been doing this all wrong

Next year, I’m following Jesus example and celebrating Easter by spending 3 days sleeping

@decentbirthday

My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.

@hrtbps

My New Year’s resolution is *removes sunglasses* 2048×1080. I’ll explain. *perches on desk* You see, the word ‘resolution’ can also refer t

@ozzyunc

I’m sure you’re cool but you make me nervous. Like a seafood restaurant in a landlocked state.

@themiltron

every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”

@Cornjerker78

Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”

Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”

@omerwahaj

An eskimo sitting in a kayak was chilly. He lit a fire. Unsurprisingly the kayak sank. Moral: You can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

@Cpin42

I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.