“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
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I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing