i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
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Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Get in the van.
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
Cap: good morning Avengers let’s begin
Iron Man: wait spider-man is missing
Open Mouth Man: weird he was here when i went to sleep last nite
Lower your expectations.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
Daughter: Mom, there’s a man outside.
Me: Get the net!