Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
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Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.