Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
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Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
spicy snake
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.