I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
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It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
Leaving the Barbers like
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”