Taking a shot every time someone in this zoom sales meeting said the word “enable” seemed like a fun idea until everyone in my department died of alcohol poisoning

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A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.


I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”


[Olive Garden]

Me: *walks in*

Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.

Me: Huh?

Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.


*Frankenstein arrives with his monster at a bodybuilding contest*
“Oh, you meant… you meant it like… ugh. Well that was a waste of time”


Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.


To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.


i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes


I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never


IT guy: what seems to be the problem

me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again

IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do