Taking a shot every time someone in this zoom sales meeting said the word “enable” seemed like a fun idea until everyone in my department died of alcohol poisoning

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Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.


Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎

Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”


My boss just asked if I’m illiterate, which is offensive because I know exactly who my father is.


I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.


If I had kids I would name them Ctrl, Alt and Delete so when they misbehaved I would just hit them all at once.


Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.


When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.