@NurseMurderer

taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.

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@MeganBaca1

Apparently “cheesecake & tacos” wasn’t the answer the interviewer was looking for when he asked me what my weaknesses are.

@NowAPisces

Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”

@tchrquotes

thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT

@heatherlou_

If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.

@MissHavisham

7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL

@offbeatoliv

U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…

@gabbybendel

i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered

@HonestToddler

So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.

@jonnysun

ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u

@rmfnord

“Release the Kraken!”

“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”

“Release the tuna!”