taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
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Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
I believe the plural is “milves.”
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”