taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
You Might Also Like
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
THIS HEADLINE
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.