taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
You Might Also Like
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
I
T
H
I
N
KW
ES
H
O
U
L
DR
U
I
NP
E
O
P
L
E
ST
I
M
E
L
I
N
EB
YT
W
E
E
T
I
N
GL
I
K
ET
H
I
SA
L
LD
A
Y
.
.
.
.
.
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
A collection of me turning into random objects.