[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?

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accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening


Sometimes people suck the life out of me like there’s a prize at the bottom.


Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are


Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy

Doctor: Which Guy?


“I know what you look like naked” – me to my girlfriends identical twin sister, every single time I see her.


Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.


Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.