[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
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I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.