Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
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Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
Shoo shoo! 😂
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.