Just locked eyes with a spider, but instead of killing him, I ran away & hid so he can spend the whole night stressing about where I am.
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
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Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
I’m not sure if Tom Petty is dead, but I’m absolutely sure journalism is.
Funny how you can tell a child Santa is made up and they accept it immediately, but you tell an adult God is made up, and they throw a fit.
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
Watch your wedding video backwards. You’ll love the part when you take your ring off, walk away from the altar, & leave with your friends.