@DanMentos

[taking FRIENDS quiz]

7. Which character do you most identify with?

Ross

8. Which is your least favorite character?

Ross

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@Masquerage

When my twitter crush rt’s another girl, a little part of me dies. And so does she.

@BeeeejEsq

Me: But do you really have what it takes to be as cool as me?

*coolly tosses cashew high in the air, smoothly catches cashew in trachea, suavely chokes to death on cashew*

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a:2:{i:0;a:5:{s:4:”user”;s:12:”calamitygina”;s:5:”image”;s:90:”http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/3500139565/481993e5347fcad3e98d66cc4c9f4ded_bigger.jpeg”;s:6:”id_str”;s:18:”222056070812676097″;s:7:”retweet”;s:2:”35″;s:5:”tweet”;s:135:”Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.”;}s:7:”retweet”;i:0;}

@stephenjmolloy

[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”

Yes

“Care to elaborate?”

No

@ThaJawn

*wakes up from surgery

How did it go?

Surgeon: Good, your nose only lit up twice

@PleaseBeGneiss

Waiter: *sets down check*

Me: my treat

Her: thank you so much

Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what

@sweetg35

Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.

@famouscrab

Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy