[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
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cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
i will avenge u mr van gogh
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
I want this so bad
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.