Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
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friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA