guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
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8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.