[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard

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“Do you wanna build a snowman?”

“Sir, this is a Build a Bear shop.”

*Pulls out carrot

“Oh, you brought a carrot. Sure, whatever.”


me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields

farmer: wtf have you done?!


11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything


My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.


Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.


I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.


[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.


Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.


My son loves lizard facts but he can’t quite say ‘lizard’ so he randomly makes statements like “Wizards protect themselves with camouflage”.