[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
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Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
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My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.