[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
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I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
m’lady
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*