What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
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[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
for all #parents out there
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.