@Mom_Overboard

[taking out my Diva Cup]

Dracula: you gonna drink that?

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@OBiiieeee

*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE

@HatfieldAnne

I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”

@House_Feminist

Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries

@TuSoonShakur

Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?

Rebecca Black: *inhales*

@TheBoydP

When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…

@ScottLinnen

If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.

@TragicAllyHere

Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold

@AGStr8upNinja

It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.

It’s the quality of followers.

@MUMSIEesq

The ugly duckling grew up to be a beautiful swan. A beautiful, self-conscious, mentally unstable, overmedicated, antisocial swan.