No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
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Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
Netflix and scream at our children?!
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.