[taking out my Diva Cup]

Dracula: you gonna drink that?

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*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE


I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”


Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries


Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?

Rebecca Black: *inhales*


When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…


If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.


Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold


It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.

It’s the quality of followers.


The ugly duckling grew up to be a beautiful swan. A beautiful, self-conscious, mentally unstable, overmedicated, antisocial swan.