[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
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Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
the world’s most popular steaming services
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
I know a bad idea when I see one.
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..