*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
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Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe