Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
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PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.
Remember folks 😂
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.