Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
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Pronouncing “driest” like priest
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.