Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
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Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….