Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
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Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
This is my cat’s medicine.
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.