Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
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I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
Investing in beetcoin
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.