Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
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Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
this is how life feels
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor