Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
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DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
ibopfufen
*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.