@NikiWithIssues

Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.

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@OrigamiUndies

Walk up to the finest girl in the club and whisper, “excuse me, can I get at that outlet behind you hon?”

@jeffswarens

Talking on your cell during church isn’t good, but if you use blue tooth hands free they just think you’ve got the spirit.

@MooseAllain

If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.

@kwirkyKerri

*puts on mistletoe hat*
*casually walks by you multiple times*

@GSElevator

#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.

@ALLCAPSBRO

WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?

@Gooooats

Drive by shootings are just one more example of Americans being too lazy to get out of their cars.

@JaneSays___

Is there a way to politely throw breathe mints in someone’s mouth while they’re talking?

@NomDeBenoit

People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”