Walk up to the finest girl in the club and whisper, “excuse me, can I get at that outlet behind you hon?”
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
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Talking on your cell during church isn’t good, but if you use blue tooth hands free they just think you’ve got the spirit.
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
*puts on mistletoe hat*
*casually walks by you multiple times*
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
Drive by shootings are just one more example of Americans being too lazy to get out of their cars.
Is there a way to politely throw breathe mints in someone’s mouth while they’re talking?
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”