Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
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I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
No, why?
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?