@Nyx422

Talking bout planets with my 8 yr old. He asked if you just plow thru Uranus because it’s all gas. I cannot respond maturely.

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@simoncholland

Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.

@KimBackWrites

Cashier: I don’t like tattoos.
Me: I have a couple.
Cashier: I don’t believe in them.
Me: They exist.

@MyNameIsArchaic

Tree: so how do I eat?

God: you just absorb sunlight and-

Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!

God: well not exactly-

Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ

God:

Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.

@hippieswordfish

everyone’s always asking me ‘is your son named after the movie?’ and I’m like no idiot Sharknado’s 5 yrs old and the movie came out in 2013

@Furry_Beaver

Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.

@robwhisman

observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically

@aotakeo

EARTH:

SUN: please dont

EARTH: 🎶you-

SUN: seriously dude come on

EARTH: 🎶spin me right round

SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round

EARTH: 🎶like a record baby

SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round

@bazecraze

It’s only been a few days, but I’m starting to forget everything I knew about Mitch Romley.

@JohnLyonTweets

Paramedic: What happened?

Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.

Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*