Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
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Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else