Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
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Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with Friends
Him:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
What’s a burnt pizza, frozen beer, & a pregnant girl have in common??
In each scenario, there’s a dumb guy who didn’t take it out in time.
Biden: So here’s the plan, I’ll tackle him and you go in for the knockout
Obama: Joe please.
Biden: too far? Okay what about-
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
Living with toddlers is like being stuck in an episode of Scooby-Doo, with all the running between rooms and slamming of doors.
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
[ Skydiving ]
Instructor: SIR. You can’t just jump out without your equipment on
Me: *Shows him text of gf saying “We need to talk”