@SentenceReduced

[Talking Heads GPS]

YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.

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@aimlessamers

First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with Friends

Him:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*

@BeingTwiter

What’s a burnt pizza, frozen beer, & a pregnant girl have in common??
.
In each scenario, there’s a dumb guy who didn’t take it out in time.

@preciousadidas

Biden: So here’s the plan, I’ll tackle him and you go in for the knockout

Obama: Joe please.

Biden: too far? Okay what about-

Obama

@TheRomanParker

Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation

@OctopusCaveman

I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.

@IamJackBoot

My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.

@HomeWithPeanut

Living with toddlers is like being stuck in an episode of Scooby-Doo, with all the running between rooms and slamming of doors.

@trumpetcake

Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.

@Sean_Burgundy_

[ Skydiving ]

Instructor: SIR. You can’t just jump out without your equipment on

Me: *Shows him text of gf saying “We need to talk”