[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
You Might Also Like
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.