@Tommytoughstuff: [Talking to a giant banana] "Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?"
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@samfromks: I told my 3 year old that Skittles are Care Bear meat and now I have the bag to myself.
@GigglesAndKush: I bought a pair of underwear today. In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’. In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
@realHamOnWry: Cat: Why are you looking at me? Me: You're acting strange. Cat: Strange? Me: Are you on drugs? Cat: Drugs...you’re the one who thinks I'm talking.
@better_off_dad: *phone rings Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’ Me: ‘Can you do it?’