[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
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Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
philosophical skeletons be like
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet