@donttouchjames

[talking to a girl at the gym]

her:

me: [nervous] so do u work out

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@Tuna_Lover

I caught two teens smoking pot behind my office. Ten minutes later, my boss caught two teens and myself smoking pot behind my office.

@bourgeoisalien

On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.

@Mikecanrant

I wonder what its like to fart in zero gravity. Does it like…propel you forward? These are things I think people need to know, NASA.

@difficultpatty

I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me

@burrowed_deep

A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.

@lovejulieacafe

People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…

No thank you.
I already have a cat.

@ShortSleeveSuit

NOBODY:

NOT ONE SINGLE PERSON:

MY SIX YEAR OLD NIECE: why do you have so many birthmarks

@envydatropic

I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes

@vulgorilla

I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.