HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
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Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist: