[talking to a girl at the gym]


me: [nervous] so do u work out

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I caught two teens smoking pot behind my office. Ten minutes later, my boss caught two teens and myself smoking pot behind my office.


On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.


I wonder what its like to fart in zero gravity. Does it like…propel you forward? These are things I think people need to know, NASA.


I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me


A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.


People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…

No thank you.
I already have a cat.




MY SIX YEAR OLD NIECE: why do you have so many birthmarks


I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes


I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.