you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
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How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
I think my mom just blocked me
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
How do dragons blow out candles?