[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
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Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!