[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
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The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1