@SteveSuckington

[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my life

Surgeon: *waves hand* umm hello

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@Vodkantots

Me: Your baby looks exactly like you.
Her: Thanks!
Me: k

@squirrel74wkgn

Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.

@ficklenuts

“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.

@amydillon

“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”

*fireworks go off outside*

*opens window*

I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE

@G_Faylor

I crash my car. Hundreds of pairs of clean underwear instantly spill from my glove box protecting me from harm.

@ms_woodsy

Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.

@drinksmcgee

I told my wife that I married my best friend and she smiled and kissed me on the forehead. To be honest, I was surprised that she was so cool about being in a polygamous marriage with my best friend Frank.

@murrman5

[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?