Me: Your baby looks exactly like you.
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my life
Surgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
You Might Also Like
Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
I crash my car. Hundreds of pairs of clean underwear instantly spill from my glove box protecting me from harm.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
I told my wife that I married my best friend and she smiled and kissed me on the forehead. To be honest, I was surprised that she was so cool about being in a polygamous marriage with my best friend Frank.
this cannot be real
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
are we getting rain tomorrow?
do you see how that’s confusing?