Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
You Might Also Like
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
Based Erika
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.