[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
You Might Also Like
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.