@ericsshadow

[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.

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@QwertyJones3

MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig

BAND: Thank God! Finally!

MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster

@MsSkarsgaard

Friend: Omg you know when you get sober & get embarrassed?

Me: No.

@TheDailySchmuck

1995: one day the Internet will allow all people access to the full breadth of human knowledge.

2016: *watching cat videos*

@smerobin

Laundry to do list;

□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks

@sug_knight

In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook

@KyleMcDowell86

*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*

@That_Damn_Duck

Hell hath no fury like woman tagged in a Facebook photo that makes her look fat.

@NewDadNotes

Prince: should I use a ladder or your hair to climb up to you?

Rapunzel: DO NOT USE THE LATTER!!!