13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
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Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
what the
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
¯_(ツ)_/¯
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.