Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
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I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
Dudes named Chance never had one.
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.