7yo: I have an empty snail shell collection.
Me: How many do you have?
7yo: Zero.
7yo: I said it was empty.

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WINDEX CEO: listen, I can’t have you making puns anymore.
EMPLOYEE: okay, I just want to make things clear–
CEO: you’re fired.


Ted Cruz thinks:
1. Presidents should pray every day
2. More prayers the better
3. Muslims pray 5x day
4. Ted Cruz wants a Muslim president.


[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*


Me: *explains idea*

Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever

Me:*clears throat*

*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*

Boss: Brilliant!


Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”


Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.


*stands on scale at doctor’s office*

*takes off coat*

*empties pockets*

*shaves eyebrows*


[first day in the Mafia]

Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked

Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?

Me: oh no