@KenJennings

TALKING TO MY DAUGHTER
7yo: I have an empty snail shell collection.
Me: How many do you have?
7yo: Zero.
Me: ZERO?
7yo: I said it was empty.

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@maurex23

WINDEX CEO: listen, I can’t have you making puns anymore.
EMPLOYEE: okay, I just want to make things clear–
CEO: you’re fired.

@michaelianblack

Ted Cruz thinks:
1. Presidents should pray every day
2. More prayers the better
3. Muslims pray 5x day
4. Ted Cruz wants a Muslim president.

@Ideal_Victoria

[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: *explains idea*

Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever

Me:*clears throat*

*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*

Boss: Brilliant!

@d_whitehouse

Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”

@WilliamAder

Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.

@XplodingUnicorn

*stands on scale at doctor’s office*

*takes off coat*

*empties pockets*

*shaves eyebrows*

@BigJDubz

[first day in the Mafia]

Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked

Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?

Me: oh no