this country is so goddamn polarized
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It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
the way this pissed me off… 😭
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.