[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
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The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t