*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
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wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams