@ericsshadow

[talking to son on the phone]

“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”

I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.

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@robdelaney

Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.

@aotakeo

me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare

principal: where’s your pants?

@hippieswordfish

*bank*
‘miss, it says here that your debt is outstanding’

*twirls hair*
oh yeah? well i think your debt is pretty cool too

@lilpwoppa

How come they only do that moustache oil for men? Sexism.

@atthecubicle

Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.

@StaceyShortcake

My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.

@yonewt

my effort to help others during the pandemic is replying “I’m having the same issue” to every question in Apple Community

@deedles420

I bet crop circles are just Yelp for aliens with reviews like ‘Earth: hangry species, would not recommend.’ or ‘if you must visit, visit in the summer, ?????.’

@eddiesteadyno

Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself

@shariv67

I sleep with my grandad’s WWII bayonet under my pillow. You never know when someone might break in and start filming Antiques Road Show.