[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
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I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
Yes my dude
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
I have so many questions.
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*