[talking to son on the phone]

“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”

I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.

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Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.


me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare

principal: where’s your pants?


‘miss, it says here that your debt is outstanding’

*twirls hair*
oh yeah? well i think your debt is pretty cool too


How come they only do that moustache oil for men? Sexism.


Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.


My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.


my effort to help others during the pandemic is replying “I’m having the same issue” to every question in Apple Community


I bet crop circles are just Yelp for aliens with reviews like ‘Earth: hangry species, would not recommend.’ or ‘if you must visit, visit in the summer, ?????.’


Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself


I sleep with my grandad’s WWII bayonet under my pillow. You never know when someone might break in and start filming Antiques Road Show.