@internetluke

[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*

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@mallaidhanne

me as a therapist: I see what you’re saying. *starts writing something down for you* here, there’s an episode of Naruto that I think would be relevant and extremely healing for you,

@Love_bug1016

you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.

me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.

@jake_lach

You had a panic attack on the elevator, so no, you can’t go with me to buy drugs

@Hobo_Splendido

Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!

@NoTheOtherJohn

[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what

@mela_shea

Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!

Him:

Me:

Him: that’s a plastic produce bag

Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!

@zero3_benz

FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.

@SonOfCha

When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.

@JustFingKatie

I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”nnGood job guys…we drove twitter crazy!

@Kyle_Lippert

If you love something, let it go. Let it run until it reaches the invisible wall & the shock collar you attached to it’s ankle cripples them