[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
You Might Also Like
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation