me as a therapist: I see what you’re saying. *starts writing something down for you* here, there’s an episode of Naruto that I think would be relevant and extremely healing for you,
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
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you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
You had a panic attack on the elevator, so no, you can’t go with me to buy drugs
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”nnGood job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
If you love something, let it go. Let it run until it reaches the invisible wall & the shock collar you attached to it’s ankle cripples them